This Year

Ok first off before I start this blog. Let me say this isn't really a blog I had planned on doing. And I know we have heard so many baking/cooking experiences become life lessons and I even think they're usually cheesy. However, today I had a personal epiphany that was emotional and I feel others can relate. I also feel some people not only will relate to this message but also benefit. I still sometimes struggle writing and sharing emotional experiences and blogs but this one is truly from my heart tonight. So be prepared for some tough emotions in this one. This blog does mention deaths as well as my faith.

     Today was my annual all day holiday baking day. I have always enjoyed to cook and bake. It is like a form of therapy to me. I use my time cooking and baking to unwind, relax, and also reflect. I also enjoy showing my love to others by baking/cookies items for them to enjoy. I had my day all planned out and written down with everything I was making and an order I wanted to do things.

     At the start of my baking I just was reflecting on this year and everything that happened. This year honestly was TOUGH. I have experienced several losses this year and some have been extremely difficult and still are. This has been one of my hardest years as I've had my toughest experiences as an adult. I have also watched friends and family go through absolutely terrible losses and struggles.

        This year I had numerous unexpected obstacles. I held my soul dogs paw as I cried and told her I would be ok and she could go rest as I watched her take her last breath. I also experienced a couple other very tough losses. I had my first client death. I also had to watch numerous clients experience terrible life challenges and deaths. I had my best friend unexpectedly lose her newborn son while we live states apart. As sad and upset I was, I can never imagine or begin to understand what a child loss is like for a parent. It broke my heart my best friend has to experience this when I don't live close by. I had to watch friends go through hard health battles. I have also had to watch my mom go through her ups and downs dealing with changes in her epilepsy after almost losing her last year. My mom is better overall now, but she has had to go through several obstacles. I also can't begin to imagine how she has felt dealing with everything. Health is such a messed up thing honestly. Some of the toughest medical experiences also give mental battles as well. There are so many things people are going through that we would never even know or see.

      I had to learn one of the hardest parts of being an adult this year. Sometimes, no matter how badly you want to be there in person for someone. You just can't. And that is honestly a different kind of heart break. All you want to do is give them a hug and sit there beside them when you can't.

     Even though this year presented me with other numerous obstacles and was very hard, there was a lot of good this year as well. My boyfriend started his senior year of college! I am so proud of him and his accomplishments and can't wait to watch him graduate in May. Before my best friend experienced her loss we got to reunite for the first time in seven years! We are honestly more sisters than friends so the distance has been hard but we never lost our bond. That was one of the best hugs I have ever had when we met running to each other on the sidewalk. We also got to have a couple fun quick trips. Some going to visit home and one being in Arizona! There were so many good moments this year mixed into the hard times. I have so much to be thankful and grateful for in my life.

     As I reflected on my ups and downs this year during my baking, my plan had to shift some. I staggered some baking to be more efficient and accomplish more at once. I realized this was also how my year went. I have OCD and while I joke a lot about it with friends and family, it can be hard at times. My OCD and anxiety cause me to constantly have a mental or written plan for how I want things to go. When my plans have to change unexpectedly or don't go as I expected I sometimes become very stressed or overwhelmed quick. However, even when I don't want to make changes to my plans that is just how it goes sometimes. And once it is all said and done I realize the new plan worked out for the better and everything was ok. This is how my year was as well.

     One recipe I always follow 100% is my great grandma (grams) sugar cookies. While some recipes I may not mix things separately or just eyeball certain measurements, I never do that with this recipe. I follow her recipe as she wrote it and it always comes out just how I hope. This year went the same way. Some things went exactly as I expected and hoped. However some things went totally opposite or just came completely unexpected. Sometimes even when you plan to follow a recipe, problems or changes arise. This can be frustrating and trying. I have always had my Faith though.

     I wont get too religious, but this is just a personal connection/experience. This year, i really had to cling to my faith. Growing up religious I knew sometimes it was hard to understand why God would allow certain things to happen to me. However, this year I truly was tested. As much as I needed to pray and ask for support and guidance, I also at times had anger and doubts. I didn't understand why these things had to happen in life. No one should have to experience certain obstacles, challenges, or losses. Sometimes we never realize just how strong we are until that is our only option. It isn't always fair unfortunately, but as we all grew up hearing life just isn't sometimes.

      Life isn't about avoiding any and all troubles or tragedy. It is about overcoming it, clinging to whatever hope or faith you personally have, and continuing on even when it's hard. We may have to give it all our some days. Some days may be easier than others. Some days your best may be accomplishing anything and everything, while other days it may just be feeding yourself and taking a shower. Some days I was able to get through the day but as soon as I got into my car or home, I would break down. It is ok to struggle some days. Just like recipes, not every day in life is always exactly as you expect. Some days will go according to your plans, while others you just feel like it's a fail.  We have to cling to all the beautiful moments and memories, and take a deep breath during the hard ones and remember this too will pass. Even when it feels like everything is falling apart and nothing is going according to the recipe, things will start to work back out and we will be able to continue on. You don't have to always be perfect and put together, messes and obstacles are part of our journey. We can't have all the beautiful moments and outcomes without some challenges.